i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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