i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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