I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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