Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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