i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I bet he comes in French.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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