Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
