you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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