We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
