I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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