Just fell off a train. Bad.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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