I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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