some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
