Betty ford says i'm here all night
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
