i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
