Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
