I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
