you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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