i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
