"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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