Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
