Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
