I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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