my vag is so smooth its legendary
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
