worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
