I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
