i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
