I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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