I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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