did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
