We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize