Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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