I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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