i just sent this text using only my big toe
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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