I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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