I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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