Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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