Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
