go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
