My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize