Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
