don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
