afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
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