I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
