I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She even gives head with a lisp.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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