I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
