i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
