She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
