if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
