i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize