I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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