I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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