First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think your dad took our porno
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
