eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
