woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
