I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize