I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
